she was aching all over

“i could have kissed you all morning.” he said to me quietly. “i could have swept back those loose strands of hair out of her beautiful face and stayed just like that all day.”

“and it was probably because there was too much sadness in her heart. but she kissed me like she needed it more then anything else even air. it was like she was aching all over.”



obviously it takes commitment to love yourself..

but how do you get there.

how do you become so comfortable with your body and mind that you eventually love it.


I think one of the worst feelings is having to grieve over a person who is still here. I cant bare to see him anymore. I cant bare the thought of another woman laying next to him at night. Why wont he fight for me. Why wont he show me he loves me. All of these thoughts running threw my head. I want answers. I want to know why i wasnt good enough for him to fight for me. This is really what i wanted but i changed my mind. i dont want this anymore. i dont want this to be the end. How do you move on from someone you pictured spending the rest of with this man. I cant bare this pain anymore. Someone save me

Recently I have been thinking about parting ways with a man, that I have been madly I love with since the first day I met him.

I won’t mention his name of course, you’ll know who if you know me.

He brought out good things in me, he told me that I would go far and that I was a very compassionate person. That makes me smile every time I think about it. He use to do all of these “cute” things when we first got together. Though the bad overturned the good. Soon he became very controlling. He cheated on me and I let it go. I figured people can change but he never gave me the chance to trust him again. He is very secretive about things , mostly his phone. I continue to sit here and keep choosing pain over finding someone who will give me what I need .

I tried and tried to work things out. i tried so many times and over and over again nothing ever seemed to work.

Finally after all this time I realized that this would never work out. I keep telling my self I am going to leave him then when I try to be always pulls me back in.

Instead of focusing on who I need to be with- I need to focus on myself.

I need to start focusing on being confident and comfortable by myself. Get over my social anxiety. Join a sport. Plant some flowers. Paint something. Make friends.

Life is far too short to try to fix something that may have not been able to work in the first place.

I wonder what people think a relationship entails..

I may have high expectations on what I think you should have in a relationship but I know I have realistic expectations on what I deserve as a person. and I know I am not getting what I deserve.

Do you ever think things will change or do you think one of you will get the courage to leave one another? or do you think your going to live this way the rest of your life.

i just want someone to want me and being with this man I do not feel like he wants me. I feel like he keeps me around because he is comfortable with me being here. does he even love me any more? I have all of these questions and when I bring them up he brushes them off because he thinks I am being crazy. am I being crazy for feeling this way?

will I ever feel loved again by this man?

will this man ever show me that I am important to him?

this is the worst feeling.

New Beginnings

The date is May, 17th 2016. I am sitting in my office at my new job. I start to think that I am the real definition the word hope. If you told me 4 years ago this is how my life would turn out to be; I would tell you, you were out of your mind. I figured I was going to die a heroin addict and that’s what my life was going to be. To be completely honest with you I was okay with that. I was okay with the fact that I had no morals, no self-respect, no self-worth. I was a nobody and I was just going to be another kid who died from heroin. I went through a lot of hardships in my life. Loosing people I loved, loosing myself, my parents leaving me, being raped four different times by four different men, loosing kids, I was as low as they come. There came a day where I was so sick of being like this. I honestly have no idea where it came from or why I was ready to give up that life at that moment. I had a job, my own car, my own place, I thought I was happy, I had money, but that wasnt what it was. I thought in the past i hit a rock bottom when I was pretty much selling my soul for this drug, I was sleeping under a bridge, I havent showered in weeks. But that didn’t stop me from doing what I was doing, I kept on going and going. I hit my rock bottom when I had all of these “great” things. It was more of a  spiritual bottom that I had hit. I made the choice that I needed help, and this time was different from the other 46 times I have tried to get help. This time I wanted it. I wanted better and I knew there was a way out. I packed up every piece of clothing that I owned and made a phone call and the next day I was on my way to florida. That was one of the best choices I had ever made. I have been through a lot of things while in sobriety. Loosing loved ones, ALMOST loosing my brother to this devil, watching people go back out and if they are lucky enough to make it back, they come back broken and hopeless. Now today I can proudly say I no longer am a victim to any of this. I am able to help the people who come into the rooms hopeless and broken because i was there. God always had an amazing plan for me and I am beyond blessed to be the woman i am today!!!!

Do i set exceptions on you because i have this idea of love and i dont give any body a chance to live up to it because i am so scared to be hurt so the way that i think is if i set these super high expectations no body will ever live up to them and i will never be hurt? something to think about i guess